“A couple walking their white dog just put their dog poop in our trash can and walked away. Is this acceptable behavior?” the offended neighbor from Nextdoor.com asked.
And, in the same thread, this question:
“For my understanding, is it just because it is dog poop that you are against it? For example, I'm walking down the street drinking my coffee from Starbucks. I finish the coffee and want to throw away the cup. Your trash can is there. Can I throw my cup away?”
These questions sparked a long and intense thread between those who dump their dog’s poop or garbage in others’ trash cans and those who don’t, but end up with others’ poop and garbage nonetheless.
Metaphorically speaking, I’ve been pondering on this theme of people who put their “poop” in other people’s “cans” for the past several weeks. Here are some of my reflections and my shift in perspective on how to deal with those who put poop in our cans.
Have a great week!
Pondering on People Who Put Poop in Our Cans
A preparatory exposé for nice people
Life is full of pitfalls. However, I’ve been thinking lately that life’s pitfalls can be separated into two categories. One kind happens out of our ignorance, and someone gets harmed in the process. The other kind is caused by those who knowingly take advantage of others and harm them for their own gain.
The reason I’ve been thinking a lot about this issue is because, as a source of entertainment during the coronavirus quarantine, I began watching Medium on Hulu, a “true” crime series about a psychic named Allison Dubois who helped solve cases at the D.A.’s office in Arizona. Over the past few weeks, I have watched more murders than I have watched over my entire life.
Of course, they have caused me to reflect more on the nature of moral depravity and how to cope with people or organizations that cause such pitfalls in life. The criminals in the show reminded me of a book I bought when visiting Alcatraz called Alcatraz, the True End of the Line written by Darwin E. Coon, a bank robber and inmate. I’ll always remember this part in his book:
“Back in Kansas City we stopped for breakfast, and wouldn’t you know it, right across from the restaurant was a bank! . . . The employees were just opening up, so they were walking around with open trays full of money. We ordered them all down as before and I filled another wastebasket with green paper. Then we locked them all in the vault, walked nonchalantly back to the car, and drove away. It was like taking candy from babies.” (pg 53-54)
For Darwin, the sight of the bank meant one thing: a fortuitous sign that he should rob it! This is a train of thought that nice people just don’t get, literally.
However, compare his words to the same line of reasoning of our Starbucks coffee dumper: I had an empty Starbucks coffee cup. I see your trash can. I think, “Hey, I’ll just throw away my trash in your can.”
Now, people who put poop or garbage in their neighbor’s trash cans are hardly as extreme as bank robbers or murderers, but it’s a difference in degree rather than essence, kind of like the temperature going from mildly warm to scalding hot. Here are some essential qualities of what I call “moral depravity”:
A lack of concern for other people—their property or feelings.
A sense of entitlement to something unearned and undeserved.
A lack of understanding or respect for boundaries between self and others.
A selfish, narcissistic view of life: one’s personal well-being is all that matters.
A lie is as good as the truth as long as it serves one’s selfish interests.
The need for immediate gratification regardless of how it may harm others.
Freedom and breaking the rule/law are experienced as the same thing as long as one doesn’t get caught.
Lacking empathic connection in relationships and using people as expendable objects.
This list of qualities might be normal for a two-year-old, but they are dangerous qualities in an adult or company. As I thought of times that my life had been harmed by such people or organizations, I felt renewed anger.
At first, I thought I was “bad” for feeling angry. Over the course of my life, anger was a luxury rarely allowed. In fact, in order to remain safe, I learned to put aside my anger and wear a more affable facade. But lately, I’ve realized that anger that is channeled into a proactive, confident assertiveness can be a healthy, normal, and protective response.
By being overly nice, our compliance and docility often enable the very evil and moral depravity that we wish to overcome. In addition, if we don’t allow ourselves to feel angry and be assertive, then our anger shows up in other ways: distorted projections, passive-aggressive behaviors, self-critical/puritanical attitudes, or avoidant reactions.
One recent evening, as I was journaling about my anger, I had an idea about how to deal with a company that angered me because I felt victimized and powerless.
Solar House (run by Tesla), the company that provided solar power to my house, removed all the solar panels on my roof in December 2019, when my roof was replaced. They never put them back on, having canceled the reinstallation appointment that had been scheduled four months in advance, and they don’t offer any future appointments for a reinstallation due to the coronavirus. However, every month they continue to bill me and withdraw from my account a fee for “estimated” electricity and services provided during this “outage.” When I called them, I just got memorized scripts from the phone operators. How to deal with this greedy, entitled company?!
I decided to call my bank and stop the autodrafts so the company cannot access my money anymore, and I made a claim through the bank that their charges over the past four months were fraudulent and unreasonable. I’m not finished with them yet.
A patient wrote this in her initial intake form, “my goal is to live a life free of medication, but I have been told for the last twenty years I need these medications. However, this experience has made me angry and has ignited a fire in me to take charge of my health and well-being.”
She has been a proactive and motivated patient who is making good progress in her treatment. We are currently preparing her health to help her achieve a safe withdrawal.
My life definitely improved when I allowed myself to feel angry and asserted myself appropriately. There is a time and place for being nice/kind or being angry/assertive. Neither state is all good or all bad. Both ways of being are part of an important balance in life that leads to living authentically. I hope you will understand what I mean and will assert yourself the next time someone wants to put poop in your can!
Have a wonderful week!